


A Cursed Blessing

by Ripley95



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Post-War, Synthesis Ending (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29465988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripley95/pseuds/Ripley95
Summary: Kaidan learns to live after Shepard chooses synthesis.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 13





	A Cursed Blessing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LJANdersen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJANdersen/gifts).



> This is a gift for LJANdersen, who gave me an idea to write this a long time ago.

It covers the apples he picks up from the market. It glistens off of the faces of smiling civilians still thriving on the high of survival after the war. He even sees it in the mirror when he wakes. He sees it on his fingers as he rubs his eyes, heavy from nights without sleep. It's inescapable, this new green sheen to everything. He thinks  _ new _ because he'll never be used to it, but in truth, it's been months. It was now normal. A new way of being. Permanent. He can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse. Maybe it's both.

Chakwas had tried to explain it to him. Organics now had DNA interlaced with tech, and tech had traces of DNA. She goes on about how generations down the road won't even be able to determine a difference between organics and synthetics. Something like that, anyway. He can't bring himself to listen. Maybe he will someday when it's not so raw, but not now. All he knows is that the Crucible had burst in an explosion of green. The moment they had crashed the Normandy on that planet and found themselves stranded, they were all covered in it. Even EDI. Even the leaves on the trees. It's all he really needs to know.

He looks up at the sky every morning, and there are hues of green even afflicting the Reapers. They're still here. It's then that he knows it's a curse. They should be gone. Destroyed. But instead, they're still here. He takes a sip of his coffee and reminds himself that they're helping now. He can see them repairing the Citadel tirelessly. He hears of them fixing the relays. Hackett's even briefed him on how they've begun to share their well of knowledge of civilizations that came before their own. It's all thanks to them that their future is projected to propel forward in previously unthinkable ways. He feels calm at the thought of it all briefly and acknowledges that things aren't how they used to be. He and the Reapers aren't so different anymore. But he can't forget the past. He can't trust that they're not still capable of turning on them and committing genocide. He knows that civilization wouldn't be nearly as put back together without their help, and he knows it's not so easy to be rid of them. He eases and grants them the benefit of the doubt that perhaps it's not entirely a curse, but he won't admit they're a blessing.

He sees the husks helping rebuild in droves. Once grotesque reanimations of humans, asari and turians with the sole purpose to harvest are now breathing and civilized and have lives of their own. They are no longer hordes meant to kill. They're functional and cooperative. He laments at the thought that his father could be among them. He doesn't know what to make of them, and he can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse.

He visits the refugee camps regularly. It's one of his assignments to ensure they're well supplied. The whole area emits a dull green glow. He sees all of the races coming together in celebration. They've built a playground since the last time he was here. There's a group of them planting trees and another cooking enough food for the whole settlement. He even gets an invitation to join them in their festivities. He accepts. The laughter of children's voices fills his ears. Stories get passed around the table with ease. There's camaraderie and friends and family. He smiles at the thought. People have come together, and they get to live. They're happy. It's why he joined the Alliance. Why he fought in the war. This. This is what he puts his life on the line for with every mission. It's in these moments he knows it's a blessing.

He turns in the middle of the night and moves his arm to envelope a body that isn't there. His fingers brush the empty pillow. He opens his eyes to see his arm, covered in green. He feels tears begin to form. He shuts his eyes tight and presses his fingers gently against his eyelids, and still sees green. Everything's green. He curses it and wants to scream. Just one night, he doesn't want the reminder. He clings the empty pillow tightly to his chest and imagines how he used to brush her hair out of her face as she slept. He remembers that this green sheen was because of her. The thought of it quiets his breath. He trusts in her decision. It was an end to the war, even if it wasn't how they'd planned it. He still doesn't know what happened up there, but he knows he would have done anything to stop the war. He knows he may very well have done the exact same thing as Shepard had their positions been reversed. It's a small comfort. He reminds himself that they'd won, and the war is over, and that's all that should matter. He willfully reaffirms that this is a blessing as much as it feels like a curse. He bunches the pillow up closer to his face and is saddened that it no longer smells like her. It hasn't for quite some time now. Eventually, he finds fitful sleep.

He walks down the street, and the green is everywhere. It adorns the faces of everyone he walks past. He can't help but think that Shepard will never get to experience this green glow. He thinks of how he'll never get to intertwine their green fingers as he shows her around Vancouver. He makes his way to the ocean where his old apartment used to be. He dreamed of showing this view to her one day. Even the ocean is green now, thanks to the seaweed and fish. He turns to his side and looks down to where their hands would have joined and knows of Shepard's absence. He knows it all too well at this point. He closes his eyes and looks up towards the sun. The green still shines through his eyelids. He hears birds chirping, the wind rustling through the leaves. He hears the waves crash against the sand. He hears people talking. He hears a city bustling with life. He opens his eyes and sees green everywhere and lets it really sink in this time, that this was Shepard's choice. All of these people get to live. It's what she wanted. She would be happy to know of this success. He finally realises he's been seeing it wrong this whole time. He's been too focused on Shepard's absence that he hasn't noticed her presence. He turns his head and sees the green glow in the trees. He sees the green in the ocean and the green on people's faces. He smiles at the thought of it solemnly because Shepard is everywhere. He's beginning to understand that things can coexist. Perhaps it is both a blessing and a curse, but at least for today, it's a blessing.


End file.
